Monday, December 28, 2009
(x) stayed single for the whole year
(x) made out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
( ) celebrated Halloween
(x) kissed in the rain
(x) had your heart broken
(x) broke someone else’s heart
( ) had a stalker
(x) went over the minutes on your cell phone
( ) had a good relationship with someone
(x) someone questioned your sexual orientation
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) had an abortion
(x) have a relationship with someone you’ll never forget
(x) done something you’ve regretted
( ) lost faith in love
( ) kissed under a mistletoe
( ) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
(x) ran a mile
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
(x) posted a blog
(x) listened to music you couldn’t stand
(x) went to a sleepover
( ) went camping
( ) threw a surprise party
(x) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
(x) visited a foreign country
(x) cut in a line of waiting people
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren’t
(x) partied to celebrate the new year
(x) cooked a disastrous meal
(xxxxxxx) lost something/someone important to you
In 2009 I…
(x) broke a promise
(x) went behind your parents back
(x) cried over a broken heart
(x) disappointed someone close
(x) hid a secret
(x) pretended to be happy
(x) slept under the stars
( ) kept your new years resolution
(x) forgot your new years resolution
(x) met someone who changed your life
( ) met one of your idols
(x) changed your outlook on life
(x) sat home all day doing nothing
(x) pretended to be sick
(x) left the country
( ) almost died
(x) given up something important to you
(x) lost something expensive
(x) learned something new about yourself
(x) tried something you normally wouldn’t try and liked it
(x) made a change in your life
(x) found out who your true friends were
(x) met great people
(x) stayed up til sunrise
( ) Cried over the silliest thing
( ) was never home on weekends
( ) got into a car accident
(x) had friends who were drifting away from you
( ) had someone close to you die
(x) had a high cell phone bill
( ) spent most of your money on food
(x) had a fist fight
(x) went to the beach with your best friend
(x) saw a celebrity
(x) gotten sick
( ) liked more than 5 people at the same time
(x) became closer with a lot of people
Super reek of Myspace off that shite. You know, actually, maybe after all the things that went wrong this year I could be coming out on top at the end of it. I've gotten to know some really incredible people this year mostly thanks to Dublin Hardcore and I've reconnected with a lot of old friends I never thought I'd see again.
Yeah, this year I lost possibly my two greatest friends. I guess 13 years of knowing someone really doesn't mean shit to some people but fuck it, that lad is not a part of my life anymore. I don't even 'wish him all the best' or 'hope he dies' I just don't give a fuck what the lad does, no longer a care of mine. The other was my fault entirely, even if I was in no state to change things at the time. Mental health for you.
To keep things positive. . . I really love my new friends, I love how much I've learned this year. I love how much about hardcore I've learned and fallen in love with. I love all the other music in my life. I love Sigur Ros.
I love my old friends Stevie and Scott. They are concrete and they always will be.
I love being a 'recovering alcoholic' and not a fucking idiot. I love not relying on grass to erase my thoughts.
I love Lar and Mac Kell.
I love the Duffy's, a lot.
I hate Maynooth.
I love Steve C and Anto and Jay and Franny and Barry and Ben and Damery and Smokey.
I love Moshspace, for all its failings I've made some amazing friends there.
I love Ciaran Nolan, the greystonians are the kings of the pixies.
I love Roger.
I miss Suzy and Dee. I will always miss Sarah but that's different.
I love Sean Reid and Hamo (and Katelyn and Fiona)
I love David Prendergast.
Contrary to my own belief I love my family. I want my little brother Jimmy to prove everyone wrong. Boss.
I love music. I love playing bass.
I miss Lango but fuck him.
I love Dock and Lefty and (even!) Rob.
I love Adam and Confey and Gary (Although I don't think he loves me)
I love Boyler and Shane (though I never get to see them anymore) and Col and Paige.
I love Mikey, lots.
I love tea. I love coffee.
I love vegetarianism.
I love the bands that mean something to me even if I hardly know anyone in them.
I love Forced Out, Famine, Frustration, The Blind and Crowd Control.
I love Drainland, Bacchus, Enemies, Friends, Two Tales Of Woe, Dyslucsic, Friend?, Melophobia, Pirates On Cat, Home Star Runner, The Shower Scene, Chewing On Fucking Tinfoil, In The Rain, YOUNG WOLVES, you know what I mean.
I love the lyrics to '2008' by Famine more than I love most things.
I love Clique.
I hate hating. I love loving.
I miss my dog Hugo (R.I.P)
I love my instruments.
I love knowing. I love not knowing.
I'm going to add to this later I'd say.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Other producers you should check out are N-Type, Coki, Distance, Chasing Shadows, The Optimist (Irish). There is a whole load of crap floating around the internet but there's some gold.
A lot of this music reminds me of scagging completely or being in a bad place but I still love it. It's strange really. Most of the music is repetitive and at times monotonous but I'm a sucker for the bass.
Only heard this today, I like it.
Every time I show this to someone they shite. It's a good'un.
I just love this song and this is probably the best remix of it.
This is one of my very favourites.
I was recommended this by a friend, wasn't into it at first but it's not bad.
This is literally all you need to listen to. One of the better sets I've heard. BBC1 Essential Mix sets are usually pretty ace too. Check out Rusko's one.
The Suck It & See Mix by The Lemon Pharma
Like most Distance tunes, this kicks in nice and fat, sweet wobble. So sweet.
I am ashamed of myself for leaving out Kode9 & the Spaceape. Absolutely essential listening.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Forgive Me Not originally had a set of lyrics I had written as we wrote it, not sure if we're going to use them or even put any vocals in the song at all but the name stayed. Seeing as I wrote the lyrics to the mood of the song I guess that's why these ideas are taking root in my head.
The song is about lost relationships between friends and lovers, families, places etc, brought to the fore of course by the events of this year. I've realised this applies to everyone in the band as well as a wealth of people I know who are proverbially 'fed up'.
I don't know, maybe it's about one relationship in particular, it can probably sum up several in contrasting ways. Either way, we wrote an extra part to the song which we won't play live but it will be on the 7 inch. The working title so far is 'Insomnia Lullaby'. I don't think I have insomnia but I rarely sleep and when I do it's awful. The extension on to the song serves as an outro musically, and a comedown from the theme of the song.
I really enjoy writing music. I don't enjoy lying on a couch at 5:40 blogging about how much I enjoy writing music.
In other news, I can't believe it's the 23rd. We still haven't found a house, I haven't slept for more than 3-4 hours in weeks and I need a shower.
Jamming again tomorrow. Home. Shower. Pack(?). Find a place to live for Christmas. Grin and bear Christmas at home. Sleep. Find a new house.
FIRST GIG FEBRUARY 18TH!
Will never bring me close to you,
This is the coldest I've ever been.
This is the side you've never seen.
The one you never knew existed,
The one you never believed.
Sleep must be so sweet,
For a heart so free of guilt.
This is the death of what I've been,
This is the reason I can't dream.
The times, the fucking times my friend,
The choices we made, have brought this end.
This is the coldest I've ever been.
Monday, December 21, 2009
I'm really happy playing the music that we're playing now. It's instrumental mostly and somehow it feel a lot more meaningful than anything else I've ever been a part of, probably because I'm involved in the writing process and I'm able to contribute insofar as I can help the song take shape, this has never happened for me before.
I really haven't gotten excited over Christmas being around the corner, I'm not normally this Scroogy but I'm just keeping my head low waiting for the year to end. I reckon one or two more things can manage to go wrong before the new year. Ah well, I can't help these things it seems.
It was brought to my attention yesterday (maybe the day before yesterday?) that literally, the worst thing that could have happened in my mind has indeed happened or been happening. People have been walking on eggshells around me, tiptoing around the fact. No, I'm not going to publically air what grieves me because it makes no difference to anybody else. You're not going to read this anyway so who gives a fuck.
I really haven't slept much, I don't want to sleep, I fucking hate nightmares. I should be past this.
Anyway, it looks like I'm going to be losing a lot of my friends by the actions of others, well, no. That's not fair, this is all my doing in the first place but FUCK ME I hugely overestimated the value one person in particular put on our friendship.
There's nothing I can do about it. I would still literally do anything for these people and I'm a fucking idiot for being that way.
YOU ARE THE FUCKING REASON I SPENT EXTRA TIME IN HOSPITAL ON EXTRA FUCKING MEDICATION, ALL TO BE PROVEN RIGHT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!!?! FUCK YOU.
I shouldn't publish that, probably. I was on such a good (not bad) buzz this week. It's ok though because I'm done complaining to people who knew this was happening in the first place. Man I feel like a fucking idiot writing all of this, I literally don't care though. Why the fuck should I?
I am going to lose so many friends who clearly will be spending more time in your company. Yeah, I ran away, yeah all of that.
The funny thing is I expected this and I'm still in a fucking heap over it.
I love the both of you.
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
I've been here four weeks and two days today, the First of October.
Today was a real drag. I feel low. I can't explain it. I know how to pull myself up but it doesn't seem to be doing the trick. Today in particular the pain is almost unbearable. I can't shake it.
I know now what regret really is.
I know what pain I have put upon people.
I know now, being a better person that I was a month ago, how shit a person I've been.
I can't help wanting to do damage.
I feel like a time bomb tonight.
I want to take out some kind of deep brewing rage on something.
I feel more capable of doing that now.
I've been using my time wisely.
I've been using my energy efficiently.
I can't shake this.
There is something hidden here, an uncertain indefinable horror.
Why the fuck is this not working. I was doing so well.
Blind faith is working but it's only getting me so far.
I really feel destructive tonight. I need to see somebody before I do any damage.
I'm starting to shake again.
There is nothing worse than you coward scum,
take another swing at me,
This time I can't wait.
Never let those fucking pricks get you down,
never change who you are or what you do,
Bully scum deserve to die.
Nasty fucking vomit mind.
I wish I wish I had the chance,
to seek revenge and on throats dance,
jump up and down right on your head,
I'll crush your skull, I'll make you dead.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Ok, so I dug out the notes and scribbles I did during my 2 months in hospital. I'm putting them on this blog because it's hard when people ask me what it was like. It was like nothing else I have ever been through. I have where possible (95%) kept true to the original pen to paper incidences but I would rather keep names of people in sensitive places private, the same applies to the names of patients.
I decided to start with this one here, an entry I made a week into my treatment. At the end of it is a little ramble I wrote on the day I was admitted. I'm not making a full post of it because I was clearly under the influence of drugs.
Today marks my first week in St. Pat’s University Hospital. I have just been dubbed ‘Old Spaghetti Hair’ by an old friend and former patient, has a ring to it methinks.
This place is like a halfway house for the dying to live and the living to die, fortunately I can’t put myself in the latter category.
I intend to leave this place with renewed confidence, not in the world, I’m not that doped up, but in myself. The nursing staff are superb, the doctors seem infallable and the food, well, it’s a hospital after all.
I suppose the most comforting thing to know whilst a resident here is that you can leave whenever you want. Admission is voluntary and very carefully documented.
It’s easy to see why some people come here and don’t want to leave. Patients can become institutionalised, a very dangerous prospect. I have heard enought stories and autobiographic monologue to know that when my time is up, I will arise and go.
The living quarters are fine. A bed, a sink, a wardrobe and a desk. What more could I need. The view from the window was perfect, a big green line of coniferous trees, close enough to block out the city. It’s a comfortable place but not at first.
The first thing I learned about mental recovery is physical recovery. Only when you have purged out all the stuff that eats you organs can you begin, and I really mean begin to feel better. Bear in mind this is only my first week. You realise things about your body and mind that you have either denied or were plainly ignorant of.
The nurses and doctors of course, accomodate this. It’s on a parallel with heroin users using methadone to come down. A wonderfully helpful drug called Librium. Sedation is sometimes unfortunately a neccesity. I’m off it now and I’m on to more psychoactive medicine now.
I must admit, when I arrived here first I felt completely and utterly out of place. I was treated the same way as everybody else, put on bedrest in my pyjamas and was on the same dose as people who have had far more extensive substance abuse problems. This I could not comprehend.
Towards the end of the week of detox, things started to get messy, heavy if you will. The reasons other people are in here become clear long before you come to terms with your own demons. Truly, the most frightening experience of my life, so far. I began to have dreams again, only for the fact that they were, and still are, all nightmares, I wouldn’t have noticed.
The nightmares got more grim and grotesque as the week progresses and double doses of sleeping tablets do not quell them. It’s all part of starting to know yourself I reckon. I can’t stress enough how scary they are. Even now, in good spirits, last nights horror scenes are hanging over me, haunting me, inviting me back to paranoia (which, by the way, they have drugs for too).
So far I have almost exclusively met characters with whom I can share almost anything. I’m the youngest on the ward by about twenty years. Conversation becomes the focus of the day. People who I have met here who are by no means philosophers or even brillian minds have spoken some of the most wise words I have ever heard. We all share grief, joy, sorrow, frustration and any emotion you care to name. We’ve gone through the lot as patients, together, without professionals and sometimes they are the best times.
I don’t feel worthless anymore, not nearly to the same extent. I know my friends and I hve some of the best friends anybody could ever hope to have. Although I knew this to be true for a long time, the knowledge was buried deep in my subconscious. The people who have come to see me since I arrived are people that I will always, always have time for. Time, at the very least is my way of saying thank you.
I haven’t had a routine that I can find a sense of achievement from in a long time. A long time depending on what side of life you’re standing on. I’m on the bridge to another platform, not a higher or lower one. I’m crossing back to the other side of the tracks, back to when I was proud of who I was.
Sure I have regrets, one of my regrets I fear will haunt me for as long as I can forsee. Time will tell if I got off lucky on that front. Clinging on to hope is a tough game when you really mean it.
It’s easy to forget who we were in the transition from then to now. I’ve made it this far and yeah, right now, regrets regarded, I have a lot more to give, a hell of a lot more...And this is where the doubt lurks.
Being in here signifies more to me than a pit stop. I feel like I’ve been given a new lease on life. Again, bear in mind this is this beginning of my treatment and the result of a life lived well beyond my means, mentally, physically, spiritually and let’s face it, as meaningless as it is, financially. I owe this revalation to a friend I love and hope I haven’t lost.
Living life to its fullest had a different meaning to me two weeks ago, a months ago, three years ago. I’m not hoping for miracles, I’m not asking for forgiveness, I’m just getting ready to find out what I’m capable of. Work starts from the ground up.
As I write this and moreso as I’ve re-read it, it brings with it the uncertainty. The wave of negativity that comes with a life I always assumed I was failing. The doubt, the fear, the heartache and not enough tears.
I've been here since Wednesday, back to the dorms it would seem. It's Saturday now and in another few weeks I shall be home again.
I don't know if I'm looking forward to it.
I'm feeling better which is the main thing, beginning to focus again. Every time I ran I made things harder, lost a lot of good friends on the way.
Language is the barrier but the barrier can be overwhelmed. It's the people on either side that are the problem. This is not with regards to differences in race or dialect. It is the language, the mouthpiece of communication that binds people non exclusively in a snare of conflict, misunderstanding and grief.
How can one expect to express a symphony of emotion practically on an uneven surface?
The largest used language since the dawn of greed is money. Without currency, money, however you regard its value, you can not deny it shapes the course of the lives of every single object in existence.
Of course good things have been created and evil things destroyed by it, therein lies the paradox of money. Some, quite literally can't live with it, rendering them practically useless. Others at the opposite end of the spectrum, not surprisingly, can't live without it.
Is there a happy medium?
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
I think I've lost it this time
I'm nearly sure.
Still hanging on,
The skin of my teeth might be my salvation
And all the things I said were true
I lied only to myself
I still do, I still fake it.
I can't even believe I'm doing this.
This shameful facade,
the playful charade
has to end, has to die
I have no sight.
All we can see is all we can hear
Where do we draw the line between
monotony and mindless nothingness
spinning cogs that mean nothing
The parade will keep on rolling
The charade will tumble and stagger
It's all see through
It's all the fucking worst
We are all tied to this
Trying to keep our heads up,
the struggle and the bitter fight,
We throw away all we were given,
all we had the privilege to ignore.
Just give me a fucking reason.