Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Ever Say Never?



I know I said no more whiny bullshit post buts fuck that, I have something to say.

I was reading Nelly's blog, I'm not going to link it because if you don't know him, you don't need to be reading about his life. I took this quote out because, clearly, it's going to be the one that speaks to me.

'Never say never. The things that made you be close with someone in the first place will always be there no matter how much fucked up shit you say or do to each other in between.'

You all know what I'm going to say, I want my best friend back, there hasn't been a day since literally 2003/2004 when the goofy motherfucker hasn't been in my head, and nothing has changed in that respect. We haven't spoken since November, maybe December 2009. I'd know the date if I kept the emails but every trace of both Lango and Sarah have been deleted from my phones, computers and junk I have from the years. It was so easy to get rid of all of that stuff and I bet one day I'll regret it.

And yeah, that quote above, it's right, he's right. I'm still a goof who loves nothing more than acting the bollocks and I'm sure he is too. If you disguised our identities to each other on a night out, I would put any money on it, the two of us would end up being mates at the end of it, but that sure as shit isn't the point. If it was that easy, I'd still have somebody to hang out with everyday.

It's not even that I can't forgive him, you can't predict your feelings, I know, I'm just not going to. I can't be in the same building as the lad, literally. I can't be in the same fucking building. I've run through the fight scenario in my head as many times as I've had showers and I just know if it came down to it, I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye for more than 5 seconds without feeling physically ill.

One of the things I miss the most is the sly picking at each other that best mates do, we'd tear each others heads off about albums being better than others, stupid stuff like that. It's not having stupid bickering in my day to day that's leaving me apathetic and cold to argument, I used to love a row.

I think psychologically the worst thing that's come of this is that I simply cannot trust anybody, how could I? I'll give you my atm card and my pin and let you go get yourself lunch but ask me a serious question and you'll get a stupid, mumbled, incoherent answer. Since I was 8 years old I've known that lad and when, 13 years later, he turns around and hasn't got the balls himself to tell you that he's seeing the girl, the breakup you partly went to hospital over, the girl you were going out with for a year and a half, then you have no reason to trust anybody.

I have Stevie and Scott and the lads in the band but I don't see those guys everyday and it's not the same, it's never been the same with anybody else. Honestly who do I miss more, him or her? Him, hands down, every time. I have new friends who are good people and who are good for the party, some are even good for the chats but no way, none of them even come close to getting it. You want to talk about distant? Try being the awkward loud mouth idiot who always has great people around him but can't get over himself long enough to realise why the fuck he's so poxy lonely.

I have lost so many people because of all this, all of whom will tell me of course they're still mates and nothing has changed, yada yada. I'm sick of trying to chase down my old friends. If you want to hang out, you can get in touch with me, I can't do that anymore, it's soul destroying. To be honest, everything in my life is fine, everything, even this doesn't register as a reason not to be happy, but it is. I am happy, I can handle the depression, it just manifests itself in some new way each time but I like that, gives me something to deal with.

I needed to write this all down, I'm not reading through my blog to see if I have before but there it is. I know you're a technophobe but if you ever read this I hope you know I'd still jump in front of a bus for you, only to jump back in front of it again for being so stupid.

Well, I guess I need to justify this post with music. This I found when I was out in a girl's house for the first (and only) time. We were on the couch, being busy and an ad came on the tv for this album here.


I stopped what I was doing, listened to the track on the ad, 'Roquefort' I think. I got up, asked the girl where her computer was, ran upstairs and downloaded the only 4 tracks I could find because all she had was Limewire. The afternoon didn't really go well after that but getting the Luas back to town and the bus back to the dorms was great. I love public transport when it's just me and music. Any, that album was the soundtrack to many a days galavanting with Daniel Lang. I bet you'll all hate it.

J

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